I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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