discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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