if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
