I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
