I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
