I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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