You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
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i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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