God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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