What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
