i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
