Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
