On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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