god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.