I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
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I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
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Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.