so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.