I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
