On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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