I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
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