i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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