I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
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I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
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Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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