Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
