john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
