My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
