I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
