So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She told me I should be a condom model.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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