I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
