I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
