im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
