That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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