I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
