A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
