There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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