What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
