all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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