I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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