i need an iv and a liver transplant
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
