I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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