If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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