His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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