Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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