omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I can't turn off my feet"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
