Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
