You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
