Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
