Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
