My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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