tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.