There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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