when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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