the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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