I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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