Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
