I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
