he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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