i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize