mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
