y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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