It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
