Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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