Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
