last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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