She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
