At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
