Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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