Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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