Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
